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How NOT to Answer Your Wife's Five Trickiest Questions

(Editor's note: This article was originally written for a non-Muslim magazine, so a few of the remarks are a bit inconsistent with Islamic culture. But I thought it was funny enough to reprint.)

There are five questions that, for the sake of world peace, wives should really never ask their husbands. They should know better. The sad truth however, is that they DO ask these questions, frequently and with quite an innocent attitude, as if the questions just popped into their heads and do not carry the emotional charge of cluster bombs. So it is extremely important that we husbands should be prepared to answer these questions correctly, so that we do not find ourselves on the wrong ends of blunt instruments.

The five questions are:

1. "What are you thinking?"
2. "Do you love me?"
3. "Do I look fat?"
4. "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5. "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if you, the man, do not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

1. "What are you thinking?"

The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what you were really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

a - Football.
b - Baseball.
c - A fantasy involving Hawaii, a Ferrari and your high school sweetheart.
d - How much weight your wife has gained since you got married.
e - How you would spend the insurance money if your wife died.

The best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg:

"If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."

However, you are not advised to use this answer.

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2. "Do you love me?"

The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear."

Wrong answers include:

a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?

3. "Do I look fat?"

The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not!" and then quickly leave the room.

Wrong answers include:

a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

4. "Do you think she's prettier than me?"

The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."

Wrong answers include:

a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5. "What would you do if I died?"

Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of couse not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to," said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too!"
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."

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