Help! how to talk to muslim parents?
Hello! So far I really like this website there is a a lot of helpful answers on here. But my concern is I've met this guy, he is Muslim, at work. I'm catholic I know there is no dating accepted in Islam. But We couldn't help ourselves, it was love at first site.
So me and him have been together for almost 2 years; like I said, we fell in love hard to the point were we talk about marriage and kids. I've even fallen in love with the religion, I began to read the Quran and also learn how to pray. I don't really consider myself catholic anymore to be honest.
My question is his parents don't want him to date so they don't know nothing about me. He told his mom, but his mom was very negative- she called me a whore and that I'm lying about my interest in converting because I want his money. Little does she know I did Ramadan with him and prayed together.
She doesn't want to meet me but he says she's going to have to so I can explain my side. So when the day comes how can I tell her, "I'm not being fake and I want to convert, I'm taking your son seriously and We want to get married"? How should I dress? Should I wear a hijab? How can I convince his mom to let us be together?
- Alexia
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Asalaamalaikum (peace be with you) dear sister,
It is very nice to know that you have taken an interest in this beautiful religion. I cannot offer you the best of advice but what i would like to say is do not worry when you go to see his mother. Just be yourself and Inn sha Allah she will see the truth and sincerity of your wish to join Islam fully and marry her son.
Alexia,
You don't have to explain anything to his mother...as Smiley says, "just be yourself" and remember who you are. God willing she will meet with you and see that your motivation is sincere and from the heart. Given time, she may come around...just be patient.
Salam
Hello Alexia,
Please think about what I'm about to say to you in all sincere consideration, as you need to separate your possible conversion from this relationship. When I see a person coming to the religion, I am excited for them, but under these circumstances of a 'dating" relationship, this can taint your ideas and true genuine reason for reverting/converting. We want you to go as a pure person towards Allah (swt) and that is why I will write what I feel you need to read.
First, establish love with Allah (swt), commit to Him by refraining from forbidden actions, including dating, and reform yourself accordingly. Understand that this man's mother does not know you, but only through your actions, which does not make her happy. You have to show her, but most importantly Allah (swt), that you are taking your life as His servant seriously and in comparable deeds, as well.
One thing that disappointed me about your post is that you say you "did Ramadan," but the month is not to partake in half piety and half sin. I'm sorry for being openly honest, but the reality is that it's not a half way religion, and that is the same with honesty and commitment whether in this world or building yourself nobly for the next life in the hereafter. You see, when you sin in Ramadhan, you must make up the fast, feed the appropriate number of poor people and make amends for the disobedience to Allah (swt). In this sense, it was almost better that you weren't Muslim, because it seems that you would have to make up the whole month of fasting, if you were. Not only that though, but it's what you miss by sinning in this month that is quite sad: Allah's (swt) invitation to one of the greatest acts of purification and reform of the body and soul. Allah (swt) tells us that even our sleep is worship and that during this time, all His Mercy and Forgiveness is available.
I don't mean to rain don on you, but to encourage you to see your possible conversion as something that must start with acknowledging what you are missing in your life and whether you can be obedient to Allah (swt) even when it is not convenient. Men can come and go, through separation, divorce and death, but Allah's (swt) Love always remains. This is more important to realize that any human relationship we can have on Earth. I am happy that you are researching this religion and I don't fault you for making certain mistakes, but try to see the purpose of what your intentions are supposed to be fostering inside of you: a sweet and humble purification of everything that you are.
More than anything, make a commitment to Allah (swt) to cleanse yourself and your sincerity by stopping the act of dating this man. Surely it may seem difficult to do, but it's the right step to take. Explain to this man that you need to do this as an act of obedience to Allah (swt) first, and to take your life seriously in reflection of what Allah (swt) says in the Qur'an.
I have often read, even on this website, that when you become Muslim from Judaism and Christianity, that your slate is wiped clean, but this is not true. Instead, whatever sin you committed that does not contradict Islam, you must seek forgiveness for as you committed a sin being a Christian, but disobeying it's tenets. For example, in the Testaments, pork is forbidden and if you consumed it as a Christian, then you sinned in your previous religion. So you would have to ask for forgiveness of that sin, since it was God's law at the time, as is the case with Islam. If you dishonored your parents, committed fornication, cursed, etc., then all these must be a cause for you to seek forgiveness from Allah (swt) as it was not allowed previously in the Abrahamic religions.
Needless to say, dating is another one of those sins and that is why I strongly urge you to stop it. Even if you become Muslim, you will still have to ask for forgiveness for these previous sins of dating. I have this on authority from some of the best Islamic scholars and had it reconfirmed several times, that this is indeed the case, despite what others say. You won't be held accountable for not previously fasting, the 5 daily prayers and Islamic tenets, however.
You may think that I am coming off as upset at you, but really, instead it's sadness. I see a hopeful woman who is thinking about such an important decision in her life, but also that she is missing out on a great opportunity this very day: to realize and submit to Allah (swt) wholeheartedly. If this feeling is really in your heart, then it's time to convert/revert to Islam. Accept all of what Allah (swt) wants for you and then follow His Right Path.
I say this as a person who has seen Christian/Muslim couples struggle through their lives and Christians who have been hurt by Muslim who should have put the rights choices before their own desires. He could have proposed to you already, as Muslim men are allowed to marry Christians. Maybe he is hesitant for whatever reason, but it's not a genuine excuse to commit a sin when Allah (swt) has given him the means to marry you and through that, he could have taken every day since as a blessing and a way for the both of you to worship God through your marriage. I also do not like the fact that he is putting you in the place of "having to explain yourself." When a man cares deeply and seriously about a woman in this case, he should be willing to say, "Mom and Dad, this is ******. Please get to know her, help her to become Muslim as she feels that it's in her heart. I love you as my parents and I want you to know that she can be your daughter, too. It's my intention to marry her, because I want to love her, to begin my life with her and have her, one day, become the beautiful, radiant mother of our children and your grandchildren, God-willing. "
You see how that's so different from what you have now? I'm sorry if this presumptuous of me, but I think that since he hasn't been honest with them, perhaps he isn't being totally honest with you, too.
The reason I ask is because you need to understand that a Muslim man would not use this instance to draw enmity between you and his mother. Repeating an hurtful words was not appropriate for him to say to you since it is only causing stress, though it may have seemed he was telling the truth. Instead, he should temper her reactions and protect you from it, as well, if this was the case of being true.
Lastly, I will address your questions as the end, but I will modify them to show you a different perspective.
"Allah (swt,) I'm not being fake and I want to convert. Help me."
"Allah (swt), I'm taking this seriously, but this man should marry me and honor me."
"Allah (swt), let me realize how you want me to dress modestly."
"Allah (swt), I know you want me to wear hijab, so do not let me put it on for anyone, but You!"
"Allah (swt), I trust that whatever happens, You will do what is right. Let this mother see my love for You. But first, let me do right by You, because there is no one or nothing more important than You!"
Let Allah (swt) be your focus, Insha'allah. The rest will be as Allah (swt) allows.
Professor X, you've given much excellent advice here as usual, but there are a couple of things I need to correct.
1. Accepting Islam does indeed wipe out everything that came before it.
“Say to those who have disbelieved, if they cease (from disbelief), their past will be forgiven.” (Quran 8:38)
Prophet Muhammad, may God praise him, said: “God will accept His slave’s repentance so long as the death rattle has not yet reached his throat.”
The Prophet said to a person who had placed the condition upon the Prophet in accepting Islam that God would forgive his sins: “Do you not know that accepting Islam destroys all sins which come before it?” (Saheeh Muslim)
A popular Islamic website writes:
Accepting Islam and pronouncing the words known as the Shahada or testimony of faith, (I testify “La ilah illa Allah, Muhammad rasoolu Allah.”[3]), wipes a person’s slate clean. He or she becomes like a newborn baby, completely free from sin. It is a new beginning, where one’s past sins can no longer hold a person captive. There is no need to be haunted by past sins. Every new Muslim becomes unburdened and free to live a life based on the fundamental belief that God is One.
2. Regarding Ramadan, we cannot say that sinning in Ramadan in general breaks the fast. It's true that someone who commits sins during Ramadan (lying, stealing, cheating, backbiting, missing prayers, etc) is performing an imperfect fast, and only Allah knows whether it would be accepted. However, when it comes to making up days, there are specific things that void the fast and require a person to make up the lost days. They are enumerated here in Fiqh-us-Sunnah:
http://www.ymsite.com/books/fiqhussunnah/index-2.html
Lastly, I wish to point out that many people do not follow a "perfect path" to Islam. Rather than be sad for such people, we should be happy that they are on the path, seeking truth, coming closer and closer to Allah. That's what counts.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Walaikum salaam,
From comprehending what has been written, the Ramadhan fast also relies upon the purity of intention, from my understanding. Without the proper intention, the fast is void as is confirmed in the links given, since consciousness is a part of fasting. Perhaps there is room for leeway, though, regarding that of which only Allah (swt) knows and accepts of the particular fast.
This was quoted in the link you provided, as reference. I may be a bit strict in my interpretation, however. For that I apologize, but the way I always understood fasting was to completely abstain from all major and minor sins with the proper intention of such to keep fast. Again I think it all goes back to intention. I apologize for not emphasizing that point, confusing the matter or parlaying it incorrectly.
Often on this website, we see new converts grow very distraught over failed relationships that introduced them to Islam, and I have heard a few cases of where some women left Islam because of it. So this is my concern, likewise in using the word "sad," which looking back, I did use too much. My only wish is for the lady to purify her thoughts free of this current situation, if it does not work out, so that she may still accept Islam. I apologize if it came across as a bit negative on my side and of course you are correct, as no scenario will be perfect as you have mentioned, Br.Wael.
Regarding previous sins, even with the verses quoted and hadith given (I think the first hadith isn't in opposition to what I wrote), there has been room for discussion on this matter with several scholars about it. Referencing the verse you gave Chapter 8:38:
Say to those who have disbelieved, if they cease (from disbelief) their past will be forgiven. But if they return (thereto), then the examples of those (punished) before them have already preceded (as a warning).
Again, this relies on pure intention of the first part of the verse. That while sins can be forgiven from the past, the person should not return to them while they were first in the total state of humility and submission so that they are forgiven. Look specifically that the first hadith you have given and it says, "slave's repentance," which is expressing remorse as caution in light of the second part of the verse.
The verse continues where it says, "but if they return." This is to understand that part upon which Allah's (swt) Forgiveness is manifested. It is why it becomes to seek forgiveness, repentance, etc., is keys of her conversion, and of the past from those sins. So if she became Muslim and persisted in the deed of dating, it could taint her belief, but rather if she sought forgiveness and repented of it, then it would strengthen her resolve and belief. What is sought is forgiveness of "oppression" to others.
The secret lies in the purity of the shahada itself and the frame of mind. People will argue that mere words of the shahada is all that is necessary, but examine the actual words in-depth. "The is no god, but Allah" - this means the believer takes absolutely nothing over preference to Allah (swt) including the ego of the self and/or feeling unable to be humble to ask for all that had been wrong before. For when we ask Allah (swt) for forgiveness, what are we saying? We say, "I have taken a sin in preference to Your commands and thus, to You. For this I am in distress and in need of help! Allah (swt) please forgive me, because there is no god, but You."
That what resides in the heart at the time of shahada is seeking forgiveness and a desire to repent of the past life. Again it resides in intention and that is why the new revert/convert would seek forgiveness of past deeds, done privately to Allah (swt) in their heart.
Look further to the second part: Muhammad (saw) is His servant and His Messenger. So we ask, what does "Servant" mean? In this case, the best of creation, the Holy Prophet who never sinned and yet, asked for forgiveness on a level we cannot comprehend, but we should emulate. The second part is something that mankind will never achieve as Rasool was the last of the Prophets, but servant, is a state of being that we can achieve on our own smaller level by seeking forgiveness of all that we have done and to refrain from doing.
In accepting Islam, the person is not just saying, "I believe," but is leading a life of reformation and this is the blessed stage of conversion.
Allah (swt) also says in the Noble Qur'an:
“Do men think that they will be left alone on saying, ‘We believe’, and that they will not be put to the test?” (Quran 29:2)
So we must ask, what is that test in the face on conversion? Is it mere trials and tribulations, or is it also a humbling of the soul to ask for forgiveness of who we were and what we did, so as to purify the soul and attain a high status in Heaven. This is why the question became about through the scholars I was speaking to both on a practical and spiritual/metaphysical level.
I do not mean to make it sound overbearing or burdensome, but this purification and humility is what is to be sought by the convert/revert as a means of leaving the past sins and abstaining from that previous life and asks forgiveness of such. It could be a detailed request or a general one to Allah (swt), but it should reside in her heart foremost with all consciousness when taking shahada as to have pure intention. For the shahada itself is an act of seeking salvation through seeking forgiveness, repentance, reformation and bearing witness.
After typing all of that, my hope for her is high. Such is the effect of Allah (swt) and His Messenger (saw).
On the last narration the person actually withdrew his hand first, then asked the question. Concerning the last narration:
Amr Ibn Al-Aas narrates, “When Islam entered my heart, I went to the Messenger of Allah and said: ‘Give me your hand so that I may pledge allegiance to you.’ The Prophet spread his hand, but I withdrew mine. He said, ‘What is wrong Amr?’ I said, ‘I want to make a condition.’ ‘And what is that?’ he said. I said, ‘That Allah will forgive me.’ Then the Messenger of Allah said, ‘Did you not know that Islam wipes out what came before it, and that Hijrah wipes out what came before it and that Hajj wipes out what came before it!’” (Muslim: 121)(Narrated by Imaam Ahmad, 17159).
And I also have read the narration that Amr ibn Aas was asking the Prophet (saw) to pray for forgiveness for his behalf as a condition of the allegiance, but I do not have any hadith books in front of me to read it, so if anyone could provide the correct narration, I would appreciate it. However, the question is also asked, because Amr ibn Al-Aas was not a Christian or a Jew, beforehand, as I am aware of, but an idol worshiper.
I have heard different rulings on this and the situations in which it is interpreted. For example, in this link: http://islamqa.info/en/ref/14246
Look closely at two pieces of advice that this one shayk gave himself, as his ruling is modified, because oppressive sins should be atoned, since the oppressed must be liberated, etc.
http://islamqa.info/en/ref/46505
i.e., all that has passed, in general terms, is forgiven. But any money that was taken by force from its owner must be returned to him.
However, there are other scholars who state that even this latter ruling is insufficient with ill gotten gains and this should be atoned for properly. I have contacted a scholar regarding this issue personally and was assured that this was the opinion of "oppressive sins." I have also read that one should not use ill gotten gains at all, because they were to be surrendered appropriately not as to cause further harm through oppression, but to purify oneself. This has the caveat of that the surrendering would not cause undue hardship, however, in light of our modern times which was different from the past circumstances.
Another concern is the verse mentioned itself, since it was revealed as a warning to the people of Mecca. While I have seen 'cease (disbelief),' I have also seen 'cease (from persecution of believers).' This is further evidenced in the verse that follows it.
And fight them (persecutors/oppressors) until persecution is no more, and religion is all for Allah. But if they cease, then lo! Allah is Seer of what they do.
If there is any shortcoming or misunderstanding of my post, I apologize in advance.
A person who takes his tesification of faith, not only is he completely forgiven for every sin, but all those sins are changed into good deeds according to sûrah furqân.
Also to include christianity and judaism in the Abrahamic religons is the staements of the kuffâr who say the abrahamic faiths are the three. A terrible lie against Ibrâhîm [saww] and even more deadly, the lord of Ibrâhîm[saww],
But Allâh made a clear distinction between millatu Ibrâhîm and christianity/judaism.
By using the term "Abrahamic faiths," it is meant that they recognize Allah (swt) in some manner, though they use names for Him in Hebrew and not Arabic. It distinguishes the faith from say Hinduism or Scientology, since Jews and Christians accept some of the Prophets as giving Divine Revelation.
Though we believe the books to have been tampered with by man as through the revelation of Allah (swt), we do not deny the existence of the Gospel, the Psalms, the Torah or the people who followed them as being close to the origins of our faith, as Allah (swt) says in the Holy Qur'an that among the people, in closeness, are Christians. Why would this be so? Because the accepted certain aspects of the faith that originated from Prophet Ibrahim (as) and Prophet Isa (as). Hence the term "Abrahamic faiths." It's linguistics of English, nothing more or less.
The verse you referenced does not exist in a vacuum, however, as it is conditional. In Chapter 25, Verse 70-74 this is how it is stated in full context.
Save him who repenteth and believeth and doth righteous work; as for such, Allah will change their evil deeds to good deeds. Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful. (70) And whosoever repenteth and doeth good, he verily repenteth toward Allah with true repentance - (71) And those who will not witness vanity, but when they pass near senseless play, pass by with dignity. (72) And those who, when they are reminded of the revelations of their Lord, fall not deaf and blind thereat. (73) And who say: Our Lord! Vouchsafe us comfort of our wives and of our offspring, and make us patterns for (all) those who ward off (evil). (74)
Asalaam alaikum,
I contacted the alim who told me this and he remains of the Islamic opinion that the oppressive sins of the self will be forgiven, but the oppressive sins towards others must be reconciled in some way if the oppression continues after taking shahada. Therefore my initial example of eating pork was incorrect.
Of course I do know that it could be a case of error on this matter. If the the young woman consults with her alim/imam perhaps that is all that should suffice.
As-salaam o alikum,
Yet again excellent reply by Brother Professor X MashaAllaah.
Please Sister take his advice.
As a revert myself i can honestly tell you that it is a tru life-changing blessing to be guided to the Right Path Alhamdulillaah. My life was empty before and to realize the only Truth is as exciting and gives soo much happiness to one's heart - it only makes sense that it is from God SubhanAllaah!
No relationship with any man on Earth should take presedence over the relationship with our Creator. As Brother Professor X had said youneedto first and foremost establish and strenghten your relationship with Allaah (swt). Believe me once you are on theright track you will see things differently. You will notice blessings and be much more aware of Allaah's presence all around you inshaAllaah. And you will find yourself happy to lead your life according to His Book (the Qur'an).
And with that your relationship with this man might work out the right way inshaAllaah.
" Who can be better in religion then one who submits his whole self to Allaah, does good, and follows the way of Abraham the true in faith? For Allaah took Abraham for a friend."
Surah An-Nisaa 4:125
"The Evil One threatens you with poverty and bids you to conduct unseemly. Allaah promises you His forgivness and bounties. And Allaah cares for all and He knows all things."
Surah Al-Baqarah 2:268
Allaah knows best!
Sister Hafsah
Alexia,
My suggestion is that if you are truly sincere about converting to Islam, then you should go ahead and do it, not for the sake of your boyfriend's mom, but for the sake of Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear Alexia,
asalamalaikum,
i think you are already a muslim, as you are praying and trying to know islam like all of us( muslims) . just say the shahada , inshallah you will never regret.thats 100% for sure.
as for your love, it should not be you, it should be your boyfriend that should be convincing his mom about aceppting you as his wife and her daughter in law. keep in mind that if he is placing this whole responsibility on you than he is looking for a way out himself.
on a lighter note, dress appropriately but dont over do it. for instance wear a skirt or trouser or jeans( not skiny ones 😉 full sleeves shirt, neck line not too deep, learn few words of hello(greetings) in her language that will impress her. dont sit too close with your boyfriend, golden rule DONT hold hands, in the car give her a chance to sit in the front seat. dont talk too much or too little.hope it all goes well and works out for you. May Allah be with you and get your love.
Salâmu'Alaykum To Those Who Follow the guidance.
You should tell the man that you are involved with, that he does not need the consent of any person in order to get married.That he does not need a wali unlike the woman does.
So therefore he should end this unlawfull relationship you are indulged in, and make you halal for him.
The prophet[saww] said a man should fulfill that which makes the genitals lawfull.
If his mother is not pleased with this, then her displeasure will be friutless.
I am all for making parents happy with regards to who you make their daughter in law, but many people are trailed by Allah with hard-headed, biased, unreasonable racist parents.
Once they experience your good etiquettes & manners and how much you are willing to serve them, they will embrace you evetually.
Salaam alaykom!
My heart goes out to u, i am going thru somthin similar, but im a female muslim wanting to marry a revert.
A man does not need permission from his parents to marry a woman in islam, he is his own wali (guardian) to himself. The only acceptance he needs is from the women he wants to marry (you) and the acceptance of your wali (guardian) and this guardian must be a muslim man and of good character i.e your local imam at your mosque. I wouldnt worry too much at all if i were you, id be more concerned about guarding yourselves from falling into major sins. Our prophet Muhammed said, 'There is no better cure for two who love each other than marriage' and 'when a man comes to you and proposes and u are satisfied with his religion and character then marry him or there will be wide corruption spread upon the earth'. Id advise u to read a good book by 'Muhammed al-Jibali - Quest of Love and Mercy', its good for those who want to get married. No marriage should be stopped for personal reasons unless there is a valid reason i.e he is a danger to you, not of same level, basically cant fulfill their duties and rights toward each other etc. Just repent in hope that it will be accepted inshaAllah before you marry, renew your intentions and dont worry what the people say, coz one thing i learnt is that u can never please the people but u can please Allah s.w.t. And whats better for you in the Sight of Allah, not marrying and falling into sin? or, marrying and guarding yourself from major sins? Parents will come around, they always do, how can they resist being involved in their childs life? The way i see it is, some parents need to wake up and stop being in so much denial, we are human for Gods sake, we have no control of our hearts and thus are not accountable for who we desire, feelings are not haram, its only sinful when u act upon it in a way that is displeasing to our Lord. Some parents go as far as to say they would disown their child if they married someone they didnt like, If thats the case then id call it emotional blackmail.
Hope that helped inshaAllah,
May Allah s.w.t make it easy for us, ameen!
@Alexia - So did you revert to Islam. ?
May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!